Saturday, March 28, 2009

GUEST STORY: The Note

My little brother, Jason, has once again provided some material for the ol' Short Story Corner. This is a short film he wrote, though he doesn't think he wants to film.

I don't know why not, I thought it was pretty funny.

Expect a short from me next week. And I'll have something special for the anniversary of Kurt Vonnegut's death (the 11th, I believe) so watch out for that.

Enjoy:

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

A man and woman are lying in bed, they are in pajamas facing each other having a conversation.
Vicky, 20 something typical broad, good looking, she likes having things her way.

Kevin, 20 something, a husk filled with quirks. He looks as if he might deserve the broad lying next to him.

KEVIN
Was it good for you?

VICKY
Can’t you tell?

KEVIN
I don’t know, you could always
be faking for my sake.

VICKY
I wouldn’t do that, I would just tell you
if there was a problem.

Kevin leans over and gives her a kiss on the cheek.

KEVIN
You don’t mind if I stay the night do you?

VICKY
No, but I have to work early tomorrow,
so you might just wake up alone.

KEVIN
To be honest, I’d prefer it.

Vicky smacks his chest.

VICKY
Shut your mouth.

She goes for another strike, he grabs her hand, they are smiling. They ease back into relaxed positions.

VICKY (CONT’D)
Do you know how many calories we just burned?

KEVIN
Just a second ago?

VICKY
No, you dummy, when we had sex.

KEVIN
I don’t know, a hundred?

VICKY
More like two-hundred, I think I’m
going to cancel my gym membership.

KEVIN
Don’t cancel your gym membership.

VICKY
Why not, are you saying I’m fat?

Vicky rolls onto her side away from Kevin.

VICKY (CONT’D)
You don’t find me attractive anymore, do you?

KEVIN
Of course I still find you attractive.

Vicky rolls back facing Kevin.

VICKY
Do you think about me when you masturbate?

KEVIN
I don’t masturbate.

VICKY
I mean when you do masturbate?

KEVIN
I have never masturbated.

VICKY
Yes you have, everyone does.

KEVIN
Not me, I don’t need it that bad.
I vowed to never masturbate.

VICKY
Your serious?

KEVIN
It just seems like such a waste of time.

VICKY
What if I asked you really nice, would you do it for me?

KEVIN
No! I pledged an oath woman.

VICKY
Pfft. Your no fun, I’m going to sleep.

They turn their separate ways and pull the covers up. Kevin closes his eyes, Vicky looks as if she is plotting and then sneers.

INT. VICKY’S BEDROOM - MORNING

Kevin is sleeping by himself. The covers are half way off and he has a note pinned to his crotch.
He is restless in his slumber and moves one of his hands on to the piece of paper. He gropes around with his eyes closed. Fondling the paper, a revelation strikes him “This should not be here.” He sits up and brings the paper to his face.

KEVIN
Fuck me!

Kevin runs to a phone frantic. He dials a number and puts the phone to his ear.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
Pick up, pick up.
(beat)
Mike! I need you to come to Vicky’s place, stat!
(beat)
The Animals got out of the fucking zoo!
(Beat)
Just get the fuck over here!

INT. MIKE’S APARTMENT -MORNING

A close up on the side of Mike’s face dropping the phone.

The Phone is dangling off the cradle.

EXT. MIKE’S CAR -MORNING

A key turning in the ignition.

The tire’s of a car are given locomotion.

INT. VICKY’S LIVING ROOM -MORNING

Kevin is in his PJ’s sitting in a chair. Mike is holding the note pacing.

MIKE
So Vicky poisoned your semen, and if
you don’t ejaculate by noon you’ll die.

KEVIN
Yes.

MIKE
But you vowed to never masturbate.

KEVIN
That is precisely the problem.

MIKE
Alright, It’s 9:45. That gives us exactly two
hours and fifteen minutes to get you laid.
Have you considered going to a hooker?

KEVIN
I would rather die.

MIKE
There is no problem here. This
is going to be easy. Lets get you pimped up.

A short montage with stuff like, hair getting combed back. Spraying really cheap cologne, brushing teeth, Mike using a hair dryer on Kevin, putting slightly nicer clothes on.

KEVIN
Where are we going to go?

MIKE
There aren’t many places to get laid this early
in the morning, but it seems to me that I
know one spot that always has a abundance of bush.

KEVIN
And where is that?

Mike points out the door, as he proclaims where they are going.

MIKE
To the dollar theatre!

EXT. DOLLAR THEATRE

The pair pull up in Mike’s car. There are almost no cars in the parking lot. Deserted with the exception of a young girl standing outside, seemingly waiting for a ride.

MIKE
Kevin, ask her man.

KEVIN
I don’t know she looks a little young.

MIKE
Just do it!

KEVIN
I don’t know if I can.

MIKE
Just roll down the window and say what I say.

KEVIN
Alright, alright.

Kevin rolls down the car window.

MIKE
Say. Do you need a ride.

KEVIN
Do you need a ride?

MIKE
On the pony express.

KEVIN
On the po-
(Whispers)
What does that even mean?

MIKE
Just say it!

KEVIN
I can’t.

MIKE
You are going to die!

The girl walks towards the car.

MIKE (CONT’D)
She’s coming over, don’t fuck this up.

Mike leans back so as to play it cool.

The girl walks to the passenger window.

THE GIRL
My dad dropped me off to watch the
Lion King last night then he forgot to
pick me up. So uh yeah, if that’s cool
I kinda live on the other side of town.

MIKE
Of course we’ll give you a ride.

Mike snickers to himself, and maniacally folds his hands.

She gets in the back and they drive off.

EXT. MIKE’S CAR

Mike is driving, Kevin is looking back talking to the girl.

THE GIRL
So your girlfriend injected poison into your.....
and if you don’t do it in the next hour, you’ll die?

KEVIN
Uh Huh.

THE GIRL
Wait, you don’t mean to.....

Mike locks the doors.

The Girl tries the door handle.

THE GIRL (CONT’D)
Oh god. If you don’t let me out of
this car right now I'm going to scream.

The Girl’s crying.

THE GIRL (CONT’D)
This can’t be happening. I was
waiting for my wedding night.

KEVIN
Relax, Relax, nothing is going to
happen, I don’t want to have sex with you.

The Girl's expression changes from sad to angry. She hits Kevin.

THE GIRL
You asshole, that's a horrible thing to say to a girl.

KEVIN
I just mean that your too young for me.
Your a very pretty girl, I’m sure there are lots
of guys that want to have sex with you.

This relaxes her.

THE GIRL
Well, what are you going to do then?

KEVIN
I’ll think of something.
(beat)
Mike, where else is there to go.

MIKE
I don’t know, it’s 11 A.M., I guess we
could check out the gas station.

KEVIN
The gas station? This is pointless.
I have never even gotten close to scoring
at a gas station before.

MIKE
That’s defeatist, from this moment on
you need to do exactly what I tell you to do.

THE GIRL
I think Kevin’s right.

MIKE
What do you know?

THE GIRL
I know that I wouldn’t wait
around a gas station looking for men.

MIKE
Then what? Just let the poor fool die?

THE GIRL
I was just thinking there is a pool hall
that’s close to my house that seems
to have “desperate woman” written all over it.

MIKE
Of course, the pool hall, why
didn’t I think of it sooner.

Mike steps on the gas.

EXT. POOL HALL -MORNING

The Car parks, all three of them get out.

THE GIRL
I’ll just walk to my house from here, thanks guys.

She walks away, but after a few steps turns around.

THE GIRL (CONT’D)
Oh Kevin, one more thing.
(beat)
Hakuna Matata
(Beat)
It means no worries. Just go in there
and be yourself, you’ll be okay.

Mike and Kevin walk to the pool hall’s entrance pause take a deep breath, fix their hair, then enter.

INT. POOL HALL

It is deserted apart from two trashy ladies in their late thirties wearing cocktail dresses.

KEVIN
Which gas station were you thinking?

MIKE
You have 45 minutes left, this is your
last chance. Now which one do you want?

KEVIN
I don’t want either.

MIKE
In that case, I call the pretty one.

KEVIN
Which ones the pretty one?

MIKE
Lets go!

They walk across the room to the ladies table, joining them in the middle of a conversation.

GINGER
Then I says to him, the problem with
herpes is there is no cure.

Mike clears his throat to get their attention.

MIKE
Hey ladies, mind if we take a seat?

GINGER
Sure thing sweets.

MIKE
You girls come here often?

The girls giggle at this

GINGER
You could say that.

Mike puts his hand on Kevin’s shoulder.

MIKE
This is Kevin, and my names Antonio.

Ginger points to her self.

GINGER
Ginger.

Pointing to her friend.

GINGER (CONT’D)
And Maryanne.

MIKE
How about we get you gir-ladies
another round. What’s your drink?

Mike points to Ginger and then Maryanne.

GINGER
I could go for another fuzzy ass-hole.

MARYANNE
Tequila sunrise.

MIKE
I’ll be back in a split. Keep it classy you three.

Mike walks to the bar, leaving Kevin alone. Both of them are staring at Kevin waiting for him to say something.

KEVIN
Ummm, so uh, you ladies like uh, baseball?

MARYANNE
Is that what they call it now a day’s?

Both Ginger and Maryanne think this is hilarious.

KEVIN
I have a girlfriend.

GINGER
Your secret's safe with us.

KEVIN
I don’t have a secret.

GINGER
What I meant ta say is, me and
Maryanne aren’t going to tell yer girl.

KEVIN
Tell her what?

GINGER
How should I say, the early morning festivities.

Kevin gulps. Ginger and Maryanne continue to find everything funny. Kevin closes his eyes and whispers a mantra to himself.

KEVIN
You can do this.

MARYANNE
What you say, hun?

KEVIN
Nothing, it’s nothing. W-Where’s Mike?

GINGER
Mike?

KEVIN
I-I mean Antonio.

GINGER
You know there’s a perfectly clean bathroom
in this place, the stall doors shut and everything.

Ginger forces her way onto Kevin’s lap.

KEVIN
(Shouts)
Mike!

Kevin turns to see Mike returning with a few drinks.

MIKE
I see you guys started without me.

Mike puts the drinks down, leans into Kevin’s ear and whispers.

MIKE (CONT’D)
What’s the big idea man, I called that one.

Kevin and Mike look over to Maryanne who picks up the tequila sunrise and slams the whole thing.

MIKE (CONT’D)
Never mind.

Mike takes a seat next to Maryanne putting his arm around her.

MIKE (CONT’D)
So what do you do?

Maryanne whispers in Mike’s ear. Mike giggles, and stands up

KEVIN
What’s going on?

MIKE
Have you ever heard the expression,
"it’s on like Donkey Kong?"

KEVIN
I think I ha-

MIKE
Gotta go.

Mike and Maryanne hand in hand walk into the girl’s bathroom. Kevin looks at the clock, 11:15. He wipes the sweat off his forehead.

KEVIN
So, uh, you wanna do something?

GINGER
What type of woman do you think I am,
you didn’t even buy me a drink first.

KEVIN
I’ll pay for that one.

GINGER
Go for the gold sailor.

Kevin and Ginger enter the girls bathroom.

CUT TO:

EXT. POOL HALL -MORNING

Kevin is pulling Mike out the door. Mike’s shirt is unbuttoned, and he is zipping up his pants. As they are making their way back to the car.

MIKE
What the fuck man, Steve Weibe would roll
over in his grave if he saw the way your acting.

KEVIN
This has nothing to do with Donkey Kong!
(beat)
Also, Steve Weibe isn’t dead.

MIKE
Come on man, those ladies were seasoned pros.

KEVIN
Yeah, a little to seasoned if you ask me.

MIKE
What’s that supposed to mean?
Maryanne’s a sweet girl.

KEVIN
Look, I just couldn’t do it,
we gotta find somewhere else fast.

MIKE
Where?

KEVIN
I don’t know.

MIKE
I’m all out of idea’s.

KEVIN
Lets just drive around and see
if there's anyone else to fuck.

EXT. STREET CORNER -MORNING

The pair are driving down the street.

MIKE
Sometimes I wish Jesus could
have died twice for our sins.

KEVIN
What are you saying, are you getting soft on me?

MIKE
No, I was just thinking that one crucifixion
couldn’t have bought an infinite amount
of sins. There has to be a limit.

KEVIN
Christ, are you done?

MIKE
My point is this, if brutally killing Jesus
buys us sins, if he ever comes back again,
I think it would be my duty to pelt
him to death with babies.

An attractive girl is walking down the street.

KEVIN
How much time do I have left?

MIKE
Twenty-five minutes.

KEVIN
Shit.

Kevin Jumps up through the sun roof, and points to the young woman walking down the street.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
Hey you! wanna fuck?

The girl looks around like he couldn’t possibly be talking to her, then she points to herself to make sure.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
Yeah, you.
(Beat)
No, well okay. Have a nice day.
He drops back into the cabin.
Fuck, Just go back to Vicky’s, I have a plan.

INT. VICKY’S LIVING ROOM -DAY

MIKE
Alright, we’ve got fifteen minutes left, what’s the big plan?

KEVIN
Mike, I vowed I would never masturbate.

MIKE
Yeah.

KEVIN
And getting jerked off isn’t masturbating is it?

MIKE
No, I guess not.

KEVIN
There are some dish washing gloves in the kitchen.

The realization of Kevin’s implications suddenly hits Mike at light speed.

MIKE
Oh, fuck!

Mike goes for the door, but Kevin gets in his way.

KEVIN
Come on Mike, you're my best friend.
I wouldn’t ask for this if it weren’t life or death.

MIKE
I just can’t do it.

KEVIN
Remember that time, when you were sick,
and I brought you chicken noodle soup
because no one else would?

MIKE
This is different man.

KEVIN
Remember the time, that girl kicked you in
the nuts, and I drove you to the hospital
because you thought you were dying?

MIKE
It’s just not the same thing.

KEVIN
Remember the time, when your girlfriend
dumped you, and I helped you T-P her house?

MIKE
Alright. You win.

KEVIN
I’ll get the gloves.

MIKE
Fuck!

KEVIN
I don’t like this anymore than you do.

Mike almost in tears.

MIKE
Where are we going to do the deed?

KEVIN
I was thinking, the bathtub.

CUT TO:

INT. VICKY’S APARTMENT -DAY

Camera enters the apartment, then makes it’s way to an open door leading into the bathroom. Strange noises coming from the bathroom, stop the camera from wanting to enter. Mostly whimpering, and the sound of lubricated rubber gloves going to work.

The camera finally walks in. Mike is leaning into the bath tub wearing a rubber glove, apron, hard-hat, and swimming goggles. In his other hand is a bottle of hand lotion.

Mike has his eyes closed, his jaw clenched, and tears running down his cheeks.

Kevin is apparently naked in the tub, but it’s hard to tell with the shower curtain in the way.

Kevin, through tears:

KEVIN
J-just a little faster.

MIKE
Is that better?

KEVIN
Awwwww...yes.

After a moment of this, the camera turns around to a shot of Vicky in the doorway holding a pie with words written in whip cream on the top of it, “Just Kidding”

The pie drops to the ground.

Splat!

Vicky runs away.

Saturday, March 07, 2009

A Simpler Time

The only thing I'm going to say about this next piece is that kids should play outside more, like I did when I was a kid.

We spent two weeks gathering supplies to build our raft. After our parents would go to sleep, we would sneak into the garbage and withdraw empty milk-jugs and two-liter soda bottles and store them in our secret stash behind a bright blue tarp, our makeshift fort, strung up between fence poles into a sort of lean-to in the backyard. When a stiff wind would come in from the valley, it would blow up and down in the air and make thick, thunderous sounds that scared the neighbor’s children in the middle of the night, but we didn’t care, we were teenagers now.

Once we’d collected an entire garbage bag full of plastic bottles and jugs, we set out to the dollar store with our saved up pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters to purchase six-dollars worth of duct tape and various odds and ends, lengths of rope and the like. Then we raced back home on our bicycles and got to work.

The body of the raft would be an old, hollow door that my dad had put on the side-yard during our last remodeling effort and hadn’t yet had time to take to the city dump. It was deep chestnut in color with a wood grain printed on what seemed to be Formica or balsa-wood, though we couldn’t tell the difference, either way it was perfect for our vessel. We went to task taping all of the bottles shut, airtight, and arranged them on the bottom of the door, taping them in long, neat rows like corn in a field. Then we added another row of bottles and jugs beneath that, leaving us with a solid eight to twelve inches of flotation device below the wooden door.

“Do you really think this’ll float?” Jared asked me, as though somehow I was the ringleader, even though it was his idea all those many days ago.

To continue reading, please purchase this short story for the Kindle. It appears as part of the collection of short stories "A Simpler Time: Six Mostly True Stories"

For those without a Kindle, it's available via .pdf by clicking the link below.



Sunday, March 01, 2009

Always and Never

Here's some more verse. Damn Anna for somehow provoking this flood of poetry.

I'll have a short story proper in the next few days and I think we'll see another guest story from Jason before the end of the month, so visit back often.


I cried myself to sleep.
Tears of joy, tears of sorrow.
Bitter, yet sweet and wonderful.
Being with her, close to her, brings joy;
away and apart the bitter.

Conflicting emotion is overwhelming,
floating on air, elated,
but also weighted down with reality.
It's wonderful and maddening all at once.

The most beautiful thing in the world:
to have your heart lift inside your chest,
even if it's breaking all at the same time.

I love it and hate it. I love her,
and she'll be mine...

...always...
...and never...