Skip to main content

The Shadow of Dream

She awoke at about five in the morning to the incoherent shouts of her husband and a firm fist in the face. “Jimmy?” she asked, panicked, stinging still from the blow he landed.

“But… Who… And…” Jimmy was shouting nonsense and flailing his arms about, his face contorted in anger. “It was just… Wha…?”

“Jimmy? Are you okay?” She asked again, shaking him hopes of rousing him from his deeply troubled sleep.

And as though it never happened, his confusing tirade turned to gentle snoring. Unfortunately for Shannon, though, she couldn’t get back to sleep. Her face was hot where the bottom of his fist made contact with her eye and the adrenaline rush of having been aroused from her slumber in that way made it impossible to continue resting. Leaving Jimmy to rest, she got out of bed and wrapped her terry robe around her slender frame and left the bedroom.

This story appears as part of the collection "The Cruel Kids: Four Short Stories".  You can get it for the Kindle or the Nook.

Comments

Anna Russell said…
Your first sentence had me hating Jimmy then your last one had me wanting to give him a hug. Cleverly done.
I love the way this can be left to the reader's own interpretation of the dream.
Another good one from you.

Hugs
Anna xxx
1:00 AM
Rohit Gore said…
Hi Bryan,

I saw that you like comments, so thought of taking your offer. I generally start my feedback with a disclaimer...I am just a struggling scribbler. The feedback that I am giving you is no way an expert's opinion. However, I do believe that by giving inputs, I can hammer the good things about writing into my thick skull ;-)
- I really loved the way you have started this story. It is full of action (although 'sleepy' stuff) and there is something happening that makes you read on. I love stories that start with action. I, as a reader, am like a train passenger. I want the train to move the moment I board it!
- It has a deep poignancy to it and I love such short pieces. It is the fear of the father who is continually worried for his children. The dream was a beautiful projection of that deep fear every father has
- It focuses on Jimmy almost entirely, but also builds character of Shannon.

A few things:
- I am always partial to stories that have fewer characters. This is a thousand odd word story and the fact that it had more than 3 characters can be distracting. But you have done well here.
- Just after the vivid start, the action suddenly drops. I think (I guess, rather) you could have done the entire breakfast routine of Shannon as a breather before the action builds up via the dream. However it broke the spell for me.
- Just have a closer look at the way you have described Jimmy's show of emotions: "Somberly, he looked out the window" , "With a deepening solemnity, Jimmy continued". I am sure you can do this far better by 'showing' rather than 'telling'

I look forward to reading your other stories! And, yes, I have the habit of not following my own advice ;-), so be absolutely brutal if you ever get some time to go through my wares.

Warm regards
Rohit
10:57 AM
Anonymous said…
Who knows where to download XRumer 5.0 Palladium?
Help, please. All recommend this program to effectively advertise on the Internet, this is the best program!
9:30 AM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The End of an Era and a New Beginning

It's been a long time coming, but I think an upgrade to my web presence was long overdue. I began this blog in 2005 and it's served me well over the last 13 years. My goal in those early days was to write a short story every month. Back then, that was the only writing I was doing. This website, then called "Bryan's Short Story Corner," got me into a regular writing habit. One that I still maintain today. I hoped it would help me get eyeballs on my words and, looking back at some of those early short stories, I shouldn't have wanted any of those eyeballs looking. Today, my Patreon fills that void. There is a dedicated group of supporters there that help subsidize my ability to write short stories on the regular. After I started publishing books, this blog morphed into a place to talk about my projects and writing and it worked well enough for that for a long time. But now I have Twitter and Medium for those functions and they have much cleaner and easi...
Post a Comment
Read more

Anatomy of a Scene: All the President's Men

All the President's Men is one of those perfect movies. Based on a stunning true story with a brilliant screenplay from William Goldman (we've already gone through one of his scenes here with Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid ), it's a movie that brings all of the elements of character, plot, and drama together in a way that makes me really love and admire it.  The scene I want to go through is one that comes during a particularly trying time in the film. For those unaware, this film tells the tale of Woodward and Bernstein, the Washington Post reporters who cracked the Watergate story. And now, looking back on it, it all feels like one big victory, but it was marked by a number of defeats.  This is them reporting to their skeptical editor, Ben Bradlee (played brilliantly by Jason Robards) about where their investigation is at. Immediately preceding Woodward and Bernstein walking in, a salesman is trying to sell Bradlee on features his papers doe...
Post a Comment
Read more

LTUE

I've been MIA for a while and for that I apologize. First, The Last Jedi sort of took over in December. And then I had surgery in January and spent a couple of weeks doing a whole lot of nothing but recovering. I'm back now. I'm getting things done and I hope to be back in this space regularly. In the meantime, I wanted to let you know about my schedule for LTUE, the writing symposium held annually down in Provo, Utah. I'll be on a panel today, as well as doing a book signing, and doing two panels tomorrow. Here is my schedule: Friday: 4:00 pm - Podcasting: How Not to Screw it Up  Provo Marriott - Elm I'll be joined with a couple of other podcasters to discuss the ins and outs of podcasting. 7:00 pm - Book Signing  Provo Marriott - Cascade C I'll be signing and selling books for two hours. Saturday: 10:00 am - How to Run a Killer Game Kickstarter Provo Marriott - Amphitheatre I'll be talking about my experience with Kickstarter in ...
Post a Comment
Read more